October 3, 2022

First with the Alderney News

Wednesday 3rd June

2 min read


Thank goodness it’s not sunny. I love the sun, but it’s relentless brilliance and all round joyfulness was really getting on my tits. I’m locked up for goodness sake!

Show some respect and give me a bit of gloom and doom weatherwise so I can indulge in a bit of pathetic fallacy. Especially as there’s no chance of any of the other phallussy…… Go on, rain. You know you want to.


Would it be wrong to say I miss doing a jigsaw puzzle? I did order some but they haven’t arrived yet. It is a fact that until the beginning of lockdown in March, I had thought people who did jigsaws were a bit, well, boring. Spending all that time mulling over small, irregular shaped pieces of card, willing themselves to find all the ones with straight edges or corners so they can commence with the frame. I thought why on earth don’t you just start in the middle? Or anywhere you fancy? Why bother wasting your time at all?

I have to apologise to all those puzzlers who went before. I was wrong. It’s a deeply satisfying endeavour. Colour matching. Pattern spotting. Making groups of pieces with three pointy out bits and another group with two tear drop shapes at the bottom and a small head at the top. I am careful now to only order sunny, cheerful puzzles after a near nervous breakdown over a mostly grey Dumbo debacle. I’m probably the only person in the world who thinks Dumbo is a complete git.


Spoke to Border Force Guernsey. I was on the loo when they rang the house phone so they called my mobile. Obviously I had that with me. Are you even a person if you don’t take your mobile to the loo with you? Plus I have worked out how to unmute Facebook. Have resisted Twitter so far.

I hope they didn’t think I was lying when I said I was at home, because I didn’t pick up the landline. Naturally I automatically went into Secret Squirrel Spy mode, which is possibly the most untrustworthy tone of voice you will ever come across.

I also may have made a really pathetic joke when they asked about my mental health. Really, really bad idea. She was not impressed. ‘I’m sure this must be a difficult time for you but it won’t be for long now, will it’? (What the actual fuck is your experience of this I thought??) Luckily I escaped further interrogation by telling her about my wall chart that I have made to tick off the days until I can start avoiding real people again.

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