October 3, 2022

First with the Alderney News

Tuesday 2nd June

2 min read


I am alive.

I’m so impressed with the window solution, (thank you Mum), that, after meditation with Malika, I’m going to try Yoga with Adriene. I feel so alive and positive.

Also going to reduce by half my fitbit targets so I feel less of an exercise failure every day. Only until I’m freed of course, then it’s back to 10 billionty steps and a knackering walk every day.

Also going to do 20 minutes of low impact HIT. I’m hoping that isn’t short for Hilariously Inept Twat.


Fuck you Adriene and the yoga mat you rode in on.

That was not for beginners you liar. Nobody can keep up with that twiddling and twisting and not fall over.

You talk about balance! Well let me tell you, my balance is fine thank you very much, especially as both of our feet are designed to be on the floor at the same time actually and also sticking your arse in the air whilst comparing yourself to a dog is a fine way to be carrying on.

I’ve checked out Zoe on YouTube and she looks an honest person, so henceforth I shall be doing Pilates with her.


I have a delicious and nutritious dinner to enjoy thanks to my actually putting together a shopping list that does more than just cover the meat eating basics.

My lovely friend went and got it all for me. She popped it in the porch so we were never even in the same space without a door between us. I actually barricaded the door from the porch into the house with a marble doorstop shaped like a Chinese pug and the chair that the Queen sat in when my Dad met her just in case she got over eager and tried to come in. (My friend, not the Queen, although she’s more than welcome after 10 more days).

Not that my friend would be daft enough to risk her life and there was no getting past those obstacles anyway, I can tell you. Her health and safety was well and truly preserved.

I put Pak Choi on the list as a joke because this is a small island and that’s not something normally available. She actually found some. Karma biting me on the bum. Some time in self reflection is called for again I think.

I still haven’t drawn the sitting room curtains at night. It’s gone from being a secrecy thing to a full on rebellion against societies mores. Those mental voices are getting feisty.

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