September 25, 2022

First with the Alderney News

Monday 1st June

2 min read


YOU FORGOT TO SHUT THE FRONT WINDOWS. FFS. Proceed to not get out of bed to do that very thing because it might wake me up. Again.


Cars and vans and trucks are also very noisy on cobbles. Probably noisy on tarmac too but at home I’m not stupid enough to leave the windows open. As for the person who parked outside, beeped their horn twice and opened their window to serenade me with ‘Girls just Wanna Have Fun’, no, they actually don’t, you muppet. They want to wake up gently and peacefully whilst someone extremely attractive, who talks very little, brings them a tray of tea, and then submits willingly to all and any requests made, including putting the bins out.


Another beautiful day. Sunbathed. It is nigh on impossible to get sun cream on one’s own back. It doesn’t even work if you load the kitchen washing up brush with Ambre Solaire and rub against it like a needy cat. Found a garden rose care spray bottle. I’m a genius. No need to thank me. No sunburn and I won’t get greenfly or black spot.

Did I tell you it is chicken for dinner? With broccoli, cauliflower and a cheerful disposition.

Took a call from the Island Medical Centre. Made me cough. Odd I know. Swore blind I was feeling fine, which I am. Actually felt guilty that I may have gone closer to the garden border than two metres. Did not confess. Another thing to take a good hard look at some time soon Missy.

In other news, I have shut the bedroom windows. I hope I don’t suffocate, although at least I’ll die asleep I suppose.
Watched ‘Knives Out’ with Daniel Craig. It’s hard to explain how I felt about it. I think the correct terminology would be that it was absolutely pants. Don’t ever watch it. Not even to see if I’m right. You have been warned.

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